A friend posted an article: 5 Reasons Marriage Doesn’t Work Anymore that was published in 2015. Her “YES!” indicated she enthusiastically agreed with the author. That author, for the record, was a relationship advice columnist. He had been an expert since he was in his twenties and had been married for three whole years before getting divorced.
Like anyone susceptible to clickbait, I gave the piece a gander. Within a few moments, I was rolling my eyes and frustrated. Frustrated by the author’s trite nonsense, and let down by society at large for sharing it and treating the words as truth.
The commentary was a litany of whining, excuses, and superficiality. Your intimacy fades. People spend too much time on their phones. Social media makes people selfish. Everything is too expensive these days, crippling couples financially. In fact, there was one item of important note missing from the list: personal responsibility.
The one sentence that totally nails why most marriages fall apart
Most marriages fall apart because the couple doesn’t put in the effort.
Marriage is work. Hard. Work.
That giddy feeling you felt during the infancy of the relationship goes away. It can be replaced by either a deep bond or apathy. If you think you’re going to look at your partner 10 years deep and feel the same way you did the first time you saw them, you’re delusional.
But let’s challenge the specific reasons cited in the “why marriage doesn’t work” article:
1. He complained about intimacy and the absence of it
Is the physical intimacy I share with my wife the same as the first few months we were together? Nope. We have it less often, and it’s more scheduled than spontaneous. But the physical and emotional attraction is still there, and that’s what’s important.
2. The argument that marriage is generational and that times are different today than they were for our grandparents
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Our grandparents lived through the freaking Great Depression. Which situation is worse, having an expensive house you have to pay for, or soup kitchen lines that extend around a city block? If someone can’t figure that out on their own, opening their eyes is an impossible task.
Children who witness parental conflict and divorce may not have the opportunity to observe healthy relationship skills, such as open communication, negotiation, and compromise. A 2011 study explained that experiencing a parental divorce can lead to a reduced belief in the institution of marriage and lower confidence in its ability to last, potentially leading to less commitment and a higher likelihood of divorce in their relationships.
3. Technology: You text your partner instead of talking to them
Do you use an app to buy flowers instead of, calling and ordering them? (Using the phone would be considered technology, too.) Well, if you don’t like technology, set it aside a little while every day.
My wife makes it a point to have face-to-face discussions before bed. The kids are asleep, the TV is off, and our phones are put away. Even if it’s only for five minutes, we’re talking to one another. More importantly, we’re listening to one another.
Communication drives a marriage, and you know what? I don’t see anything wrong with texting. My wife and I message constantly, from little nothings to jolts of love in the form of pictures of our kids. Technology is not a burden, but if you think it is, feel free to convert to the Amish way of life and move to Pennsylvania Dutch Country. Maybe that will save your next marriage.
4. Social media
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Nothing is private; everything gets posted online. Oh, please … not if you choose not to post it. You don’t get to whine that everything is online because posting on social media is not mandatory.
You don’t have to take pictures of your every meal, you don’t have to own a selfie stick, and if a tree falls in a forest and no one live-tweets it, guess what? The tree still fell. And if looking at other “happier” couples online makes you insecure? Then don’t look at other couples.
Social media was wrapped in a shaken fist toward our self-centered ways, but that’s a non-starter. People have been self-absorbed since the dawn of time. To say that caused your marriage to fail means you married the wrong person, or that you’ve got issues of your own to work out.
Look, there are legitimate reasons a marriage might not succeed; when the effort outweighs the rewards, a relationship isn’t worth saving. Sometimes you drift away from your partner. But that happens over the course of many years, not three.
I have a couple of decade-old friends who are shadows of their former selves; I barely know who they are anymore. I also know one legitimate sociopath who would fool people up front, and only expose himself slowly over time. (Shocker: he’s on his third marriage. Start your egg timers.)
Struggling through infertility will put a strain on any couple, and so will infidelity. If someone can’t be faithful, the partnership should be terminated. But if your marriage failed “because Facebook made me sad,” then you’re just blathering on. Maybe take a good, long look in the mirror instead.
Social media provides easy access to information about a partner’s interactions, fueling suspicions and jealousy, even if unfounded. A 2014 study concluded that constant monitoring and snooping can create a cycle of mistrust and conflict.
Things change, people change, hairstyles change, and interest rates fluctuate. Change with them, but don’t blame them for your failings.
